New Hard Lease of Life
by SodaFiz
Summary: His time had come to burn, so he invoked an ancient power that he may return, and he did, but in a form less than desirable. With a second chance at life a now-human Bill must navigate the hardships of the human world full of annoying limitations and relationships. Will it change him for better or worse?
1. Double Deal

**A/N: So my newest obsession is Gravity Falls and I think Bill Cipher's one of the most interesting villains ever, so of course I'm gonna try writing a fanfic on him. This was written a little hasty, but I did have a fellow GF fan read over it to make sure it was ok. Updates will probably be slow on this, but I'm fairly confident I can finish it as I have most of the basic plot in mind.**

 **Thanks for reading! Please drop me a review and let me know how you like it so far!**

 **BTW this contains major spoilers so if you haven't seen Weirdmageddon, don't read unless you don't mind spoilers, lol.**

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 **Ch, 1: Double Deal  
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Who knew Bill's natural element, fire, would actually hurt? He couldn't escape it. Stan's mind refused to let him go. The triangle clung to the very essence of life itself. He really was, as Stan put it, _going down,_ so what did Bill do? What he did best, of course. He made a deal.

It was the gates of a dark, red-hazed place that Bill met him. The air was slightly foggy with an unusual warmth. A dry musty smell drifted through the stale air. In front of the pointed stone gates laid a large skeletal dog with backwards paws was sleeping peacefully. Weak and powerless, Bill did all he could to gain its attention. "Hey!" he yelled, snapping his fingers. "Snap out of your beauty sleep!"

The skeleton's head was a fleshly brown. Lazily it opened one eye to peek at the triangle before yawning and raising his head. The dog's neck alone was thicker than Bill's whole body multiplied by five, though in his weakened state Bill might have gotten smaller in size, not that he would admit it of course.

"Xolotl! Little help here?" cried Bill. His very existence was growing dangerously nigh. He felt it tugging at his essence. It sent shudders down his nonexistent spine. No longer could he levitate or even stand up completely. The triangle was on his hands and knees, trembling with what little energy he had left. He felt his frame fizzling in and out of existence itself, probably looking very strange to the powerful entity he had just summoned, the guardian of death itself, one who had been popular amongst the ancient Aztecs.

Xolotl yawned a second time and blinked the sleep from his eyes. He let out a short bark of surprise when he saw the little shape that crouched before him. "Bill Cipher!" he exclaimed. "Never thought I'd run into you. Finally decided to come to the underworld where a demon like you belongs, eh?"

Bill was in no mood for humor. Supporting himself with one weak arm, he jabbed his little black fingers in the dog's direction. "No, it's not my time to die," he said. "Or _ever,_ " he added in a mutter only to himself.

The dog cocked his head. "Well then, what exactly is it you want from me? Surely someone as powerful as you should be out… what is it you do now? Terrorize people in their nightmares?"

Bill let out a scoff. "Oh _please,_ that got old quick. Nope, turns out a human somehow managed to have me erased from existence. I'm clinging to the fringes of reality itself right now, so if you could just prevent death from taking me, that would be great."

Xolotl yawned again. "I could..." he began nonchalantly. "But..."

"But what? You're a being of ancient power! You may not be as powerful as I once was, but I know you've got no problem bringing someone back from the dead. You've done it before. I've seen you do it _many times._ "

The Aztecian being appeared indifferent. "I'm not so much into that business anymore, Bill. It was fun with the Aztecs, I admit. They worshipped me like I was a god, but humans are different now. They don't believe so much in gods or the supernatural anymore. What once was fun is no longer fun. People no longer ask me to bring back someone they love or to help them avoid death.

"You've said it yourself that one can't provide one thing without getting something in return. I _could_ keep your life from fading, but what could you give me in return? Looks like the high and mighty Bill Cipher isn't so high and mighty anymore. What could you possibly give me in return for preventing your death?"

Bill was, as always, quick to answer. "Think of it this way, pal. You used to bring people back from the dead quite a lot. The Aztecs made deals with you all the time, but the only lives you brought back were lowly human ones. Just think: if you help me now, you'll have the great honor of bringing back the all powerful, omnipresent Bill himself! That's really one for bragging rights. Why, as a matter of fact, your own brother, Quetzalcoatl-"

The dog was suddenly on all four legs. He stamped a backward bony paw against the ground, making everything in its vicinity shake like an earthquake, including Bill himself. "Don't mention my brother's name to me!" he roared.

Bill thrust out his single hand that wasn't currently supporting his weight. "Woah, sheesh! Relax, my clever canine! Touchy subject, huh?"

Crouching downward, Xolotl's snout was now inches from Bill's face. The triangle could feel his hot breath washing over him. "You have no idea," growled the dog. "That arrogant fool-"

"Alright, I get it," Bill cut in. "You've got sibling issues. Believe me, I know what that's like." His yellow body fizzled and he shuddered before looking the dog in the eye. "Ok, let's cut to the chase. You hate your brother, I'm about to die. Howzabout we make a deal? You help me and I'll help you get back at your brother. I've got dozens of revenge plots in my metaphorical backpocket. We could burn him in lava, make him into a human; _that's pretty torturous right there, y'know..._ "

Calmed, Xolotl sat back on his haunches, his bones clicking and clacking with his movement. "I suppose," he drawled with a frown.

Bill extended his hand. "Deal?"

Ten seconds passed before Xolotl finally placed his paw against Bill's hand. "Haha, great!" cried the triangle. "Normally I'd seal the deal with some nice blue fire, but I'm kinda too weak to do that. Ooh, just _pretend_ there's blue fire. Imagination's always fun."

Xolotl barked a laugh and tapped a bony finger against Bill's bowtie. "Done," he said.

Instantly Bill's fizzling body quit fading in and out. A steady yellow glow overtook him once more. The sensation of getting erased from all reality was gone, but something was still… _off._ Jumping to his feet, Bill snapped his fingers. "I don't think you quite finished your job there, pal," he said when nothing happened.

The dog wore a smug expression. "No, I held up my end of the deal," he insisted. "The deal was for me to prevent your death and for you to help me against my brother. I stopped you from fizzling into nothingness, but that was about all I could do. Now you're essentially just a memory with no real body or any real power."

Xolotl had to admit it was rather adorable to see an enraged dorito turn red without the ability to do much but stomp its feet. "WHAT?" Bill screamed. "Just a MEMORY? What kind of deal is that?"

With a yawn the dog plopped back onto the ground. "I can't give people bodies, little triangle," he explained. "If you really want a physical form, take it up with Quetzalcoatl. I'm in charge of death, but _he's_ the one in charge of wind and creation. I can't give you a physical form, but he can."

Bill's fists were clenched. His burning eye glared at the dog. Oh, if only he weren't so powerless at this time. "Then call up your brother," he said coldly. "Or the deal's off. You can let me fade into nonexistence if you like."

It was a risky bargain, but Xolotl finally agreed, knowing he had no chance to overpower his brother unless Bill gained a physical form. It took awhile, but soon Quetzalcoatl had arrived. His body was long and coiling like a snake. Colorful feathers of red, yellow, blue, and green covered his whole form. He was much thinner than Xolotl, but longer. The dog's whole stature went rigid as he eyed the serpent in his peripheral. Inwardly Bill couldn't help but chuckle at the dog's uncomfortableness.

"Well hello, brother!" exclaimed the serpent with a cheerful smile. His stature was raised proudly above Xolotl's large form. "Never thought you'd ever want me to show my face in your presence again. To what do I owe this unexpected pleasure? I would appreciate it if you made it quick. I've got the wind to ride and deals to make with poor unfortunate souls, after all. You wouldn't believe the strange things people ask for these days. One human actually wanted-"

"He wants to make a deal with you," Xolotl interrupted through gritted teeth. _And in turn help me get back at you, you arrogant fool,_ he added silently.

Quetzal's face lit up with delight when he saw Bill. "If it isn't Bill Cipher! What a pleasure! I've heard a lot about you. Never thought I'd ever meet you myself though. What can I help you with?"

Bill's expression became the equivalent of a grin without a mouth. "Nice to meetcha, Quet. Can I call you Quet? Great! Now let's get down to business. Your lovely brother of yours helped me out. Thanks to him I'm not dead, but there's one teensy little problem: I need a physical form in order to be restored to my former glory. Mind helping me out?"

The serpent grinned with an air of pride. "I would love to." He thrust out a skinny feathered hand. "Deal?"

Bill frowned. "Hold up! What do you want in return? Your brother here didn't exactly make a fair deal when we made a deal."

Quetzal chuckled. "I've got so much already, I really don't need much."

"Well?"

"How about in return, just tell me a fact I've never heard before. I'm in no need of any power, but I absolutely adore knowledge of any form."

Bill stroked his nonexistent beard. "Hmm, it was actually _me_ who tipped off the humans into making Mt. Rushmore! I wanted a giant statue of myself, but… let's just say they misinterpreted which leader I suggested they carve on that piece of rock. Poor Mr. Jones… if only he had kept his end of the bargain." He suddenly clapped his hands. "But that's another story. Let's make a deal!"

Quetzal grinned. "Very well, Mr. Cipher." They shook hands.

"One little problem," began the serpent.

Bill frowned. "What?"

The serpent suddenly turned serious. "Your life force…"

"What about it?"

"Your essence is… very lacking. There's not much left to restore. The strongest form I can offer is a human's body."

Bill let out a shriek. "WHAT? You're a powerful Aztecian being and you, Feather Snake, are telling me you can only give me a _human_ body?"

"Yes."

The two brothers stared at Bill, who looked to be simmering in wrath. Even Xolotl might have trembled if the triangle weren't so powerless. The air grew tense and time seemed to slow. Finally the triangle stuck out his hand. "Very well, Feathers. You've got a deal, just don't expect a happy hug from me the next time we meet."

Quetzal poked Bill's forehead just above his eye, a small light emitting from his feathered finger. Bill screamed as his triangular body began to shred itself. He burst into tiny pieces, some sticking together and others floating around each other. Still yelling in agony, the demon collapsed to the ground, unconscious. Who knew changing form could hurt so much?


	2. Welcome to the World

**A/N: I wasn't expecting to write chapter 2 this quickly. It might be a little slow to start, but the plot will pretty much pick up for real next chapter :D**

 **Enjoy! Please don't hesitate to drop a view and let me know if you like it so far! A big thank you to the people who reviewed and provided suggestions for the plot.  
**

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 **Ch. 2: Welcome to the World**

Bill let out a pained groan. His upper angle was throbbing and his limbs felt unusually heavy and sore. Opening his eye, a mosaic of blue and green met his sight while a fresh waft of air trickled into his breathing apparatus. Something tickled his forehead. Automatically his hand reached up to brush an apparent fly away, but instead of a small insect his fingers felt something soft and almost furry. With a gasp he sat upright, running his fingers through the fluffy mop on top of his head that was… _hair?_

He grasped his upper arms in a self "hug" while his eyes scanned the rest of his body. His limbs were no longer small, thin, and black. They were oddly shaped and could only bend one or two different ways. Colored fair and pale, he was now composed of flesh, presumably also muscle, bone, and blood. He pinched his wrist.

"Gah!" A very unpleasant sensation of sharp pain, _physical_ pain _,_ spread through the pinch's small perimeter. It was very a different feeling of pain he'd experienced while inhabiting a body. With possession he felt the pain, but it didn't bother him too much. This pain actually _hurt._ Two drops of red leaked through broken skin. _Yup, definitely flesh and blood,_ he decided.

A tiny puddle of smooth water stood nearby and Bill took the opportunity to look at his reflection. His eye, or rather two eyes, widened in surprise before turning smug. A thin, narrow face looked back at him, unmistakably human. "Well, well, well, not too bad of a face if I do say so myself," he remarked. His voice was the same as before, but slightly less… loud? Echoey? He couldn't quite pinpoint.

His pupils were not slits like his original form was, but were now round with an inner black and outer ring of pale blue. The fluffy mop on his head was a mess of golden yellow and was long enough in front to cover one of his eyes, a small task he found briefly amusing to pretend he was in his old form.

A yellow T-shirt and light beige pants were what he donned over his tall, lanky legs and thin torso. He was composed of flesh, bone, and muscle now, but he was quite slender for a human. A little like the Pine Tree, was what Bill mused, except he was much taller and probably older. This body felt larger than the one he had inhabited of Dipper Pines.

And the sensations! How unpleasant they were. The sounds of constant chirping of earth creatures and scents of soil and pine needles were almost unbearable. And the air! So hot it was causing a moist, almost sticky sensation of salty water to leak out his flesh and gather on his back and underarms. Quickly he moved to the dark shade of a pine tree which offered some relief. "Ugh, humans," he muttered uncomfortably. "How do they deal with this?"

And speaking of pine trees… he was surrounded by them. Literally. Not the human Pine Tree of course, but the natural formation. Bill breathed in and took in his surroundings. There was no sign of any Xolotl or Quetzalcoatl. A small river was trickling down a steady hill. Needles of green decorating rough brown trunks were all around him, giving off the sharp smell of conifer. The air of Gravity Falls when he had introduced Weirdmageddon had been warm and slightly stuffy, at least that's how he imagined it. Bill would have never admitted it, but the air of whatever forest he was in was much more fresh and clear despite its wretched heat.

"Welp!" he suddenly started. "This is dull. Better get moving."

He hoisted himself onto long unsteady legs. It took him several moments of frustration before he got the hang of walking on so tall a body. He let forth a human curse, slightly enjoying the sound of a traditionally bad word roll off his tongue.

At least Pine Tree's legs had been shorter and much more manageable! He tried to push away the thought that this new body would likely be his to operate for quite some time. If only it was like inhabitation, a mere temporary experience. "But nope!" he yelled. "I'm stuck in this useless fleshbag until further notice. Hmph. Bill's glorious former body of three handsome angles: now out of order. Rest in peace, my former form."

He lazily placed his hands on the back of his head and marched off in no particular direction, absentmindedly following the sound of the rushing creek. He was travelling slightly downhill, still surrounded by a coniferous forest. New sights and smells, or rather new sights and smells to his human body, kept arriving. Birds would not quit their endless chirping. _What did they do that for anyway?_ he thought to himself. _To get a mate, right?_ He scoffed at the idea. Emitting the same noise over and over again aided a male bird's charm toward the females? Bill's face crinkled in confusion. Animals were weird. Earth was weird, but not weird in a fun way like he was, just weird in a plain, unusually weird way.

Several animals crossed his path, mostly rabbits and squirrels with the occasional deer. The sun, once high in the sky, began to slip behind the trees. The air grew colder and shadows began to deepen. Soon the pale glow of the lonely moon and twinkling of numerous stars was the only thing keeping Bill company. He groaned. "Geez, the human wilderness sure is nothing special," he remarked aloud. "It could use some better creatures, ones that eat each other instead of chirp. I would add lots and lots of carnivores, maybe give them some cannibalistic tendencies. Ooh, human-eating monsters would be fun, too, or maybe freak hybrids of already existing earth animals. Another multibear like the one back in Gravity Falls might be fun, only it's gotta hunt people." He snapped his fingers. "That dumb one back in the Falls is such a pushover, like the Pine Tree's redheaded friend. Oh, she was _so easy_ to manipulate. Ha! Pine Tree never found out about it either. That was fun..."

Bill continued on talking to himself, fantasizing what the third dimension would be like if _he_ were in control, if _he_ held all the strings. And that was how he busied himself. The sun arose and went down twice. He was exhausted, but every time he rested he slipped into sleep and dreamed. The craziest scenarios played out inside his mind. Some of them were fun and consisted of a certain pair of twins and torture, but more times than he would have liked he ended up reliving the memories of death. Blue fire, pain, and the sensation of nonexistence plagued his mind. He knew what nightmares were. They were practically his forte, but he soon discovered that giving someone a nightmare and experiencing one himself were two great distinctions, the latter being very unpleasant. The nightmares gave him a feeling he had only truly felt once before in Stanley Pines' mind. It was an interesting sensation to say the least. It made him want to run somewhere away from danger, but in someone's burning mind there was nowhere to run when the whole thing was getting destroyed.

He awoke with a start. The night air was cool, but sweat was gathering on his body. With a curse and a shudder Bill slumped back against a tree with a face devoid of any happy emotion. After much contemplation he finally decided that being a human was one of the worst experiences he had ever had. Everything was terrible when he was so powerless and uncomfortable, and to top it off Xolotl and Quetzal had so graciously plopped him down in the middle of nowhere.

Three days of catnaps and endless pine trees passed before he finally found anything of mere interest. On the banks of a clearing in the forest he found a group of humans. There were three of them: two fair haired like himself and another a brunette. Bill lounged behind a tree observing them, eventually concluding they were a family, those strange genetic relations humans had with one another.

The mother and father were unmistakeable. The male was the one with brown hair. He was quite large, almost as much as Manly Dan back in good ol' Gravity Falls, but much less hairy save for a small beard upon his chin and the brown hair on his head.

The female's hair fell just past her shoulders and was fair like Bill's own, but much lighter, more the color of straw than golden yellow. She was not nearly as muscular or tall as the male, but that was commonly the case with human females as Bill had observed.

Bill's observance finally fell on the third and smallest of the three humans: the little girl. Her hair was light like the older female's, but completely straight whereas the latter's was wavy. The girl was small and presumably very young, even younger than the twins. She was exploring the thicket, dangerously close to Bill's hiding place, with an expression of mirth and complete content. Her mother called after her, but the girl either didn't hear or flat out ignored her parental figure. "Leanne! Don't go too far into the bushes!" the older woman helplessly called.

"Oh great," Bill muttered. "I've found the plagues of the third dimension." The girl was getting closer to his hiding spot behind the large tree and her father appeared to be heading after her. With a sigh Bill went over the pros and cons of revealing himself. Normally he'd have no problem. In fact, it was absolutely fun to taunt and play with people like cat and mouse, but human bodies were without magic, making him powerless. He cursed once more.

Suddenly something tugged on his pant leg. "Who're you?" asked the voice of a little girl on her hands and knees, staring up at him with a confused expression.

"Well, hiya, short stack!" Bill replied with a leering grin.

Before the girl could respond a large figure appeared. "Aw sh-" Bill began as something connected with his jaw. The former triangle sailed backwards, his head hitting the ground with an unpleasant smack. Something sticky trickled down his cheek. He brought his hand up to touch it and through his hazy vision saw red coating his finger. Someone yelled. The little girl was staring at him with wide eyes, a tall figure towered above her. _Are you kidding me?_ _Not again!_ Bill thought as everything went dark.


End file.
